At Ease

Sorry I have not blogged in a few days... This week has been pretty eventful and chaotic... I am happy to report that I got nothing but good news from the doctor on Tuesday... Just a few more visits and "procedures" and I should be good as new again... They were telling me all these awful worst case scenarios and as it turns out it is not as bad as they originally thought...


Lately I have felt this incredible calm overtake me... It's weird... Usually when anything is going on out of the norm I freak out and stress... I think I am finally at ease with my Creator... I have this "understanding" that I didn't have before... All my stressing and freaking never fixed anything... Maybe made things worse but never helped a situation any... Now I find when I'm faced with these things it's sort of becoming second nature to just pray about it, seek some council and ride it out... I am finally at ease with letting God do His thing... I feel so relieved...


I don't think I ever realized how heavy a burden I carried before... Looking back I was exhausted and felt more than twice my age... Now I have this new sense of weightlessness and youthful expectancy... It's like with Logan he doesn't worry about what clothes he is going to wear or what he is going to eat that day... He knows that his mommy and daddy are providing those things for him... He doesn't question it... He just trusts and expects... I'm learning to do that with God again... It's nice to just kick back, relax and know that it's all in His capable hands...


I am at a place in my life that I have not been in before... It's this achy empty feeling that I get when I realize that all that I know about God is nothing... I have been reading a lot and praying a lot lately just trying to figure this whole God and me relationship thing out... It's harder and easier than I thought it would be... It has it's challenges but the rewards far outweigh anything else... Sometimes I feel "weird" talking to the ceiling but once I get past that there is something that happens... It's this moment that I get to... I feel stupid for a while and wonder what I think I'm accomplishing... Once I can shut that up for a second and forget about how I feel this amazing thing happens...


I'm not going to say "I hear God" or anything absurd like that but there is this peace, this something special that happens in those times... I can only describe it as a tightening in my chest and a quick release... It feels like somehow my heart is being unlocked and everything comes rushing out in an instantaneous rush... It's over before it starts but it happens every time... I know it's something I just am not sure I can put words on it... I have found that I now look forward to this every night... Maybe it seems silly but I feel like for that small moment in time I am the most important thing going on in the world to God... He is glad to take time to just sit with me... And before he goes He empties all the crap and filth out of my heart, takes it for Himself and leaves me full of eager expectation for our next meeting...

Metamorphosis

When I opened my eyes this morning I found myself wrapped in a cocoon of blankets. I was so warm and comfy but I was beginning to run out of air. I started to panic while I struggled to figure out how to escape. So much like my life it scared me just a bit.


It made me realize that my "cocoon" warm and cozy as it may be is trapping me and threatening to suffocate me. But I have become so accustomed to this lifestyle. I have been kept hostage, helpless and hopeless for so long now it terrifies me to even think of escaping. I feel trapped but oddly I feel safe as well. In here nobody can see me, judge me or reject me.


But there is a God who has been playing this game of "hide-and-seek" with me for some time now. I bet He thinks it's pretty funny that I actually think I can hide from Him. The whole time I have been in this cocoon isolating myself from everything and everyone He has been working from the inside. Little by little He has been whispering in my heart. Assuring me that He has so much more for me outside of this cocoon. Confirming that He will be there for the entire journey. Inspiring me to break free, spread my wings and take flight.


I know that my time in this "holding cell" is coming to a rapid end. I can choose to stay in here and "die" or I can break free and experience life as it was meant to be. The freedom and joy He keeps whispering to me about are not just for other people. He wants all of this for me too. He wants all my dreams to become my reality if I will only let Him.


Yet, still I fear. What if I am not strong enough to break out? What if I cannot fly? What if my wings are not beautiful like the others? What if I change my mind, can I never come back to this cocoon?

LifeGiver

Today I got the phone call I have been dreading. My doctor called and told me that if I do not have a child within the next 5 years I will be unable to sustain a pregnancy to full term. They advised me that once my condition is stable that if I wish to have more children I will need to do it right away.


This is so upsetting. I am in no position to even consider having a child right now or within the next 2-3 years. I am not married or in a serious relationship. My financial situation is not conducive to bringing another child into this world. I have so many variables that are not in my favor.


This tears me apart like nobody will ever understand. I cannot even begin to express the pain this news has caused me. The tests and procedures, the torture and uncertainty I can deal with. But THIS I will not stand for. I cannot believe this is happening to me. It seems so unfair.


Did I do something to deserve this verdict? Was I a bad mom? Does God not want me to have children? Do I not get to see what me and my husbands children will look like? Will I never again experience the joy when my unborn child kicks me for the first time? THIS IS NOT THE WAY IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE!!!


Please pray for me. Pray that I have the strength to make it through all of this. Pray that I am able to find joy in this seemingly awful situation. Pray that I do not turn this into hatred and anger towards God. And mostly pray that it is not true. That one day I again will be a life giver.


I just wonder how much more bad news I can handle...

OK

I have really felt lately like things have just been falling apart around me. I am not sure why but there is no denying the evidence. I feel like a million and one things have been stacked against me and I am about to die in the avalanche. I feel helpless and hopeless. I have decided to take a stand.

I refuse to sit by and let this happen. I will do everything in my power to juggle everything that has been thrown at me. I will not be defeated and I will surely not give up without so much as a fight. The pity party has got to stop or I will lose it all. I have walked away so many times before. It is time to stand and face whatever this is. I may not be the smartest. I may not be the strongest. But I refuse to run and hide anymore. I will not retreat into my shell anymore.

Faith is only fear that has said it's prayers. So, I will do the only thing I can right now. PRAY & SEEK!!! I may not have the ability to overcome all the obstacles in my life but MY GOD DOES!!!

So my new motto (seen above) has really helped to put things into perspective for me. I know that things will not always be "OK" but It's just because God isn't done with me yet. If I was of no use to Him and of no threat to the enemy everything would be "OK". Why would Satan bother me if he didn't see me as a huge problem to him and his plans? I have always been told I have some amazing calling on my life. I'm not sure what it is but all these attacks are making me curious and anxious to step into it.

Always feel better after a good blog... =)

Tears

Last night I found myself crying for no good reason. Literally, I could not think of one good reason I was crying. Still I sat on my patio crying as the rain thundered down on the roof. I even contacted my dear friend Jennifer to see if she had any advice for making the tears stop. She told me to work through it or to cry myself to sleep. Since I hate a wet pillow I went with working it out. I racked my brain trying to think of one thing that could have triggered the dreaded drops of water.

That was the problem. I was not searching my heart for why I was crying. A few hours and a lot of wet paper later I had written down my testimony. I am not sure why I wrote it down. It was the only thing that came to me as writing always helps me feel better. One second I'm sitting and crying the next thing I know the tears are flowing like a river and I am writing like a mad woman.

I have been so tired lately. Not sleepy, TIRED. Part of the reason I have been so tired is that I spend all my time trying to "keep it together." Not necessarily succeeding, but trying. I devote so much of my energy to suppressing the pain and keeping up my appearances. I'm not fooling God. Instead I am hardening my heart as I swallow these tears. I fear that the pain will overwhelm me and I will be consumed by sorrow.

Finally, I had somehow left myself vulnerable enough to let the tears come. I faced my woundedness and allowed myself to feel again. Mostly I felt grief. I faced a lot of things that have happened to me in my life (some of my own pains and some others caused). My momentary grief "validated" the fact that indeed those wounds mattered. They mattered very much. And I mattered. That for most of these situations and events it was not the way life was supposed to go. I poured out of me the tears of a woman whose life had been hard and lonely and nothing close to my dreams.

All these tears allowed me to open the door for my Savior to come in and be my prince charming, my knight in shining armor. He healed my broken heart. He came into the young places within me, found me, took me in His arms and brought me back.

Wind & Waves

Waves are so beautiful and majestic. The beauty and sound they produce are like none other. Yet, they can be so deadly. I am sure we can all recall having heard stories of people drowning at the beach when they were pulled in by a current they could not fight. Then there are tsunamis that can tragically take out entire cities and countries. These waves are to be enjoyed and respected. They have two extremes.

Sometimes I can relate to these waves. It seems like I am a wave of emotions most of the time. I have my high points and my low points. Some days I feel majestic and beautiful. Other days I feel angry and destructive. If we look at waves and emotions we will find that they are very much alike.

Waves don't just begin out of nowhere. There are many ways they start. It could be from a sudden shift in the earth's crust, the gravitational pull of the moon, a boat, a jetski or anything motorized. These are just to name a few. Like all these little things that trigger waves, we all have triggers in our lives. Sometimes it is a memory or a crack in our "crust". It could be the longing of our hearts, that "gravitational pull" that perhaps goes unrequited. Or it could be someone jumping in our calm waters and splashing around. But all the emotional "swells" in our lives start somewhere.

The size, beauty and destructiveness of a wave are determined by what caused the wave. Some of the most powerful and overwhelming waves that have shaped my shoreline have been caused by shifts in the crust. Old pains, hurt and resentments from long ago. It happened so far out that I had almost forgot it even happened until that day when the wave began to quickly approach shore and has transformed into a tsunami threatening to drown me.

Other waves were not as ominous but have slowly eroded my shore. These are usually some of the more emotional waves that have slowly and steadily continued to roll in. Boys come and gone or friendships cherished and lost. They have confined me to my fear of failing in relationships. They have slowly eaten away at my willingness to form connections, bonds and relationships.

Other waves have been from my lack of discretion. I let people in that have no regard for me as a person. They come in and splash around on their motorized toys creating waves that just annoy and preterb. These disturbances don't usually last long as I am rather quick to kick them out. They use me and abuse me for a day or two of entertainment and fun.

And sometimes the waves in my life are caused by the "wind". God's gentle spirit nudging and pushing gently until the shore of my heart is a wonderous sight from heaven.

I'm not sure anyone will understand or relate to this blog but I feel better. After all that is why I have a blog.

Insignificant Speck of Sand

How many times have we all heard this quote? I can think of a few times I have run across it. Today I happened upon my favorite pastor's blog. (Be Humble PR) And let me tell you how it just touched me to know that I am not alone in my shortcomings and fear of failure. We all experience this feeling at one time or another in our lives. I have been hit hard with it lately. I feel like there is so much expected of me in so many areas of my life that I have been completely overwhelmed by it.

But through this blog I could really hear God saying don't worry if you can do it all, just know that I can do it all through you. I remember in my Dream Center days (you will hear me refer to these days a lot in my blog) there were few interns doing the job of 50 professionals. We were inadequate in the worlds' eyes to be doing what we were doing. I had no experience (most of us didn't come to think of it). But we were willing. We had given everything to God and said use us as You see fit. I can remember being handed tasks that seemed impossible (they usually were). I can remember racking my brain trying to figure out not only how I was going to do the impossible but on top of that I had a deadline.

Do you know that God never ever let us down. He was able to use seemingly normal people to do a job that most huge churches with millions in funding could not have pulled off. I look back at the time there and realize what a miracle God really worked through us. Maybe we were inadequate specks of sand on that beach to the naked eye, but in God's eyes we were perfect for the job.

I am amazed when I look at all the things in my life that I struggle with. My shortcomings, imperfections and inexperience. God has been telling me lately that none of that matters. Where I am weak He is strong. That means more than I could ever explain. To know that my weaknesses can actually glorify God is astounding. When you allow God to fill those areas where you are weak and inadequate you are exercising His power and glory. You are showing the world "GOD IS ABLE!!!". Where I would have failed on my own God was able to use me for His perfect work. What an amazing God we have!!!

Crashing of the Waves

I am happiest by far when I am at the beach at night. There is something about being under the stars on a blanket in the sand. It is so peaceful there. It happens to be where I think the best and feel closest to God. Sitting on the shore of something as miraculous and astounding as the ocean is truly humbling.

There is something about the ocean that makes me realize how much God actually loves me. If you have ever heard the story of the Taj Mahal you know that when a man loves a woman he will do some pretty awesome things for her. God loved me enough to give me dry (well somewhat dry) land to lay down on, an ocean with waves crashing at my feet, a breeze on my face and stars in the night sky. It is a monument of his love for us all. Not only does the ocean provide us with things we need such as food. He also created it for closeness to him. What better place to be close to God than where He made 2 completely different elements meet in harmony?

The best part about going to the beach at night has to be that it is too dark to see much. All you can really do is lay there and let all of your other senses take over. The sound of the waves crashing up on shore. The whisper of the breeze. The sound of those flying fish (which I am terrified of) jumping in and out of the water. Sometimes you might be surprised to hear a bird or two as well. When things are quiet you are forced to listen. My sense of touch is always at its highest when I am there at night as well. I love the feel of the cool sand beneath me and the wind at my back. The smells are incredible. Instead of smelling sunbathers (during the day visits) and sweaty salty people you smell exactly what heaven must smell like. And most of all you feel. I never have been good with feelings, talking about them or expressing them. But there is something about these nighttime beach visits that makes me feel so many things.

During these times I reflect on how busy the beach is during the day. How chaotic it all can be. Children running around everywhere. Tourists scantily clad and rambling in some crazy language. Frisbees and balls flying everywhere. Skimboarders and surfers trying to take you out as you enter the water. It is one crazy party. I love it and hate it all at the same time. But at night it reminds me that no matter how crazy my day has been or what I have encountered. God sits at night on the shore of my heart waiting for me to settle down and take it all in. To let it all out. To find peace in Him through all the chaos that life brings.

Whisper of the Sea

Having lived my entire life in Florida I have a huge appreciation for the many forms of entertainment this state provides. I am a pass holder to many of our local theme parks and attractions. I even have a Disney World pass. But nothing to me is quite as wonderful as our beaches. I am sure most of you can agree with me that the beach is not just a place you visit to get sand all over everything you own, including your car. It is not just about getting salt water in your mouth, eyes and ears.


If you are like me you go to the beach for the sheer "experience" of it. Sure the sand everywhere and salt water annoyance are a part of it but it is worth that aggravation to "experience" the beach. There is something that attracts and draws us to the beach.


Whenever someone goes to the beach no matter how much sunscreen you lather on or what kind of suit you wear the beach is bound to leave it's mark on you. Proof that you have been there is either a beautifully bronzed body, sun-kissed skin or a sunburn that will keep you awake all night in agony. When you go to the beach whether it be for a day, a weekend, a vacation or maybe you live on the beach people can read it all over you. There is a subtle joy and calmness that can be seen. You never go to the beach and come back the same.


I think God wants His people to be like beach goers. No, I am not saying quit school and your job and hang out all day at the beach. What I am saying is that when we are in the presence of God, whether it be at church, in your car, at home or wherever God wants us to leave that "experience" with Him a changed person. Marked so that the world may recognize us. He wants our time with him to leave a "sunburn" of sorts so that it is undeniable where we have been.


Take for instance a conch shell. When you hold a conch shell up to your ear what do you hear? The sound of the ocean. Even when a conch shell is removed from the beach you still hear that same sound. God wants us to be like that. No matter where we are or what we are doing He wants the impact of our "experience" with Him to continue to shine.


As I conclude this blog I would like to note that this particular entry may be scattered in thought and without a conclusion. Forgive me as I am actually at work while writing this.